For the love of conflict

How to reframe interpersonal disagreements for better outcomes

I hate conflict. My natural inclination has always been to hesitate a little too long before addressing an issue, or to rationalise to myself that a confrontation would be unproductive… you know, this time around.

(Maybe next time.)

This philosophy, particularly early in my career, proved very convenient for avoiding direct conversations. Layer on my inherent need to be liked, and it’s meant that over the years I’ve had to resist these instincts to become more assertive. The instincts never leave, though.

When I ask others to raise a hand if they have a fear or dislike of conflict, I am usually met with a sea of hands. And this fear makes sense, because welcoming any kind of conflict will bring with it an invitation for instability and a potential recalibration of interpersonal dynamics. While some might naturally be more comfortable with this than others, there are many plausible fears underlying a poor relationship with conflict. For example:

• Fear that confrontation will compromise a relationship (e.g. if I bring up a work issue, it will compromise my friendship with this colleague; if I question a decision of my manager, this could strain our relationship)
• Fear that the conflict will change the perception other/s have of you (e.g. being seen as someone who ‘rocks the boat’; being seen as disrespectful of existing organisational…